Things I would Rather Do (Than Spend Another Hour With You)

Things I would Rather Do (Than Spend Another Hour With You)

by Kimberlee Long on 6/7/18

Your presence is like the piercing death-scream of a television gone bad. You cannot hear its shrill testimony, but all of your neighbors can.

Your voice grates against the brain until it is a pile of dust. You cannot imagine a flaw in you, but all your fellows must.

It has been with great strain in accomplishment to spend this much time with you,

but rather than ever see you again, here is a list of things I'd rather do:

1. Stub my big toe on a wooden side table.

2. Lose a staring contest with a snapping turtle!

3. Eat an applesauce sandwich on soggy bread.

4. Trip down a flight of stairs and land on my head!

It's not you, hon, it's me.

No, I'm lying. It's you.

I'd rather chew bubblegum

off the heel of my shoe.

5. Take an aspirin while on that time of the month.

6. Play a rowdy game of leap frog with a skunk!

7. Take a cow-patty mud bath in an outhouse spa.

8. Wear a lining of thumb-tacks inside of my bra!

You are really that awful.

I truly can't stand it.

I'd rather trust my lunch

with the hamburger bandit.

9. Invite a coven of rats to live under my porch.

10. Choke on a mint during prayer at church!

11. Eat french onion soup that's gone jellied and cold.

12. Pull up the wood floor to find a carpet of mold!

It may seem unfair

or unjust, could be both.

But I'd happier marry an alligator

while under blood-oath.

13. Take a walk in the woods and get hopelessly lost.

14. Lose my whole orange harvest to a terrible frost!

15. Drop my new smartphone in a public commode.

16. Move into a swampland and live with a toad!

I know this seems harsh,

but my feelings are true.

I would endure anything

to escape time with you.

:)

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While I am sure many readers can relate this poem to a number of their own acquaintances to some degree, I must disappoint you by admitting that I do not actually have anyone in my life about whom this list was written.

My husband and I are reading a book called A Walk In the Woods by Bill Bryson. In one chapter, Bryson describes a particular hiker he meets while trekking up the Appalachian Trail. I will share no spoilers about this character as I encourage you to read about her in his book for yourself, but I think I can suffice it to say that his unfortunately vivid description holds the inspiration for my whimsical little hate-poem.

Can you think of any other good additions to this comical list? Share in the comments! I would love to hear from you.